can i borrow that?

It’s come up in conversation a couple of times that I’ve been reading Queenbees & Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman and the reaction that I’ve been getting from people is pretty interesting. My college-aged female friends have almost uniformly been really interested what the book has to say about cliques and growing up female. Some have even asked to borrow the book after I’m done reading it.

Reading the book, I can tell you that it is not a self-help book for young women but rather, one for the girls’ parents since it directly addresses the guardians of these “queenbees and wannabes.”  So the thought that immediately rose to my mind when my friends showed so much interest in this book was, why?  Don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled to begin reading this book under the guise of research for the next in a series of papers for my seniors honors project.  But why are we interested in reading something that is not about us or directed towards us?

One potential reason is because we’re certainly young enough where we can vividly remember our high school experiences.  Reading Wiseman’s book could give us insight into our younger selves and provide an idea of how typical our lives were.  In one section of the book, Wiseman describes the different types of girls in a high schools including the queenbees, sidekicks, targets, and so on.  But we certainly shouldn’t need to consult a checklist in a book to see what type of girl we were in high school.  Everyone already knows if they were the popular girl or a socially outcasted nerd.  However, what I think the book does is to provide almost a sense of pride for those popular girls while providing the nerd a sense of comfort in knowing that her situation was not uncommon.  Reading the description of her own role, the popular girl or Queen Bee can reminisce on the adulation that she received and the power that she had in high school.  Meanwhile, that nerdy girl can feel better knowing that she was not alone in her pain and maybe even feel happy that she is no longer in that situation.

That’s only one of the potential reasons for why a female my age would be so interested in reading Wiseman’s book but there are certainly others. Stay tuned because I’ll be throwing those your way in the next few days : )

Parents just don’t understand

In response to Charles M. Blow’s The Demise of Dating article in The New York Times, Michael Smerconish wrote a response opinion article in the Philadelphia Daily News. 

Smerconish gives us another “adult” perspective on the hooking-up phenomenon.  Unlike (I’m assuming here) the writer of the Salon.com article and myself, Blow and Smerconish are married adults and have very little understanding of hooking up.  To them it truly is a phenomenon, whereas to everyone I know, it’s a given.  Should we just file it under Will Smith’s line that “Parents just don’t understand”?

But one thing that was interesting to me in this article was when he writes:

“Who can forget the nervousness of initiating a date? Planning what to do. Rehearsing your rap. Then anxiously dialing the telephone to make the bid.  The concern for making small talk if one of her parents answers. (I actually made notes diagramming the possible outcomes and my plan of attack.)

Although I am in college and my prospective suitors don’t need to worry about making small talk with my parents, the nervousness of asking someone on a date is still present and perhaps the biggest obstacle thrown in good ol’fashioned dating’s face.  Because what it boils down to, is what a boy once told me.  ”It’s not like you can just ask the pretty girl in Astromony out on a date with you.”  When told this story, my friend Jenny looked straight at me and said, “Uh, but yes… yes, you can.”

Emily Post would approve

On yet again one of my random “hooking up” google searches, I came across this really funny article from The Georgetown Independent published in the Commentary section of it’s Oct. 29, 2008 issue.  Written by a college student for college students, the article gets to the heart of Pre- /and Post- Hooking up etiquette.  Kind of like an Emily Post’s Guide to Getting It On With Someone You Don’t Really Know.  Really relevant and particularly funny, the article deals with those nagging questions like “To Snuggle or Not to Snuggle?” and questions of etiquette when it comes to roommates being in the room during said hook-up session.

But what I found particularly interesting was this passage:

“It also changes the usage of the verb “hook up.” No longer is that random dude or chick someone you hooked up with; he or she is someone you are hooking up with. It definitely does not mean that the other party is now your boyfriend or girlfriend. However, it could be an important step to becoming exclusive, being a “thing” and ultimately officially dating. Nevertheless, if you have no intention of forming a relationship, the 3-mark/5-mark is the time and place to make that clear. If everyone is on the same page, there is no need to stop the fun.”

A couple who “hooked up” is certainly different from one who is currently “hooking-up.”  It is these minute details that college students are able to navigate the often confusing  lingo of the hooking up culture.  It grazes that fine line of when a hook-up transforms into hooking-up and briefly mentions how hook-ups do become relationships.  Although no the most practical or reliable way of finding a relationship, the fact that hooking-up has become a path towards relationships for college students is definitely worth exploring.

words of advice

“College is all about hookups and having tons of having meaningFUL sex. You can settle down when you’re forty, drive a porsche, and have hair in the most unseemly of places. But for now, carpe diem spitter. carpe the volleyball team.”

-Cappy, from abcfamily’s Greek, giving advice to one of his pledge brothers.

What’s the DEAL with hooking up?

I found this article on loquitor.com and it makes some pretty good points on the ambiguity of the term hooking up.  We’ve already discussed how confusing it can be when someone says that “he hooked up last night” or “oh, we just hooked up” because it can mean any variety of things.  They hung out?  They made out? They rounded third base?!  

What this article points out is that there is a reason for this lack of definition for the term.  It is the new way to say “we did something yada yada yada” or “et cetra et cetra.”  This allows young men and women to admit to having had some sort of sexual contact with another but saves the person from having to give details on what exactly happened.

But what this article says exactly is that it saves “the girl” from having to admit how far she went.  I think it’s interesting how they have to fill the gender roles and claim that it is the female who is expressing a form of sexual liberation but that it is something she is ashamed of.  Even if this could be what is happening with some girls, making this claim that some women are ashamed only perpetuates the notion that women should not embrace their sexuality and sexual desires.

crimsons hooking up?

Pretty regularly I type “hooking up” into google just to see what will pop up. Today what came up for me was an opinion article from the Harvard Crimson. The article, titled “Hooking up crossed the line” attacks the Freshmen Dean’s office’s decision to sponsor an event for freshmen entitled “Hooking up: Hot Hints for Making Your Harvard (or future) Sex Life Great.” The event featured Amber Madison, author of “Hooking up: An All-out guide to sex and sexuality” giving tips to the frosh and sharing her own embarassing stories. The author’s main point is that “By organizing and sponsoring the talk, the FDO implicitly strays from its proper role of institutional tolerance for all lifestyles, endorsing choices that—though acceptable for many—may alienate large groups of students who don’t ascribe to such a lifestyle.”

But what if you take that argument further, couldn’t you claim that any sort of event sponsoring anything wouldn’t please everyone? I see where the author is coming from, but we already know that hooking up is a big part of college life, that many, but not all participate in. But what’s the harm in listening to a few silly stories and getting sex tips that don’t necessarily need to be used for one night stands but also serious, committed relationship?

the opposite

I guess in order to understand today’s hook-up culture, we also have to understand the monogamous relationships on the opposite spectrum of the one night stand hook up. On my college campus in particular, there is a good number of relationships that are pretty serious. While some couples may begin their relationship with a dinner and a movie, oftentimes it seems like the relationship stems from a friendship, hooking up, and then realizing the extent of their feelings for each other. Don’t get me wrong, there are tons of ways that relationships develop on this campus, but what I’m getting at is that as soon as they develop, they usually become very serious. What I’m really looking at is the phenomenon of the on-campus marriage. These are the couples that you can pick out in the dining hall having a leisurely lunch, doing work together in the media center, or walking home together after a Saturday night out.

Recent media puts a lot of focus on the hooking up culture (and clearly, I’m putting a lot of focus on it in this blog), but we rarely hear about this serious relationship culture.

unhooked

One of the reasons that I decided to write this blog on hooking up was an article in the New York Times on Laura Sessions Stepp’s new book “Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both.” Stepp followed nine high school and college women ages 15-21 and decided that hooking up has replaced dating across the country. For a college student, I can’t help but think, duh. However, I am not alone in my opinion. Other reviews of the book have called it a” 50s style handbook on appropriate feminity” and that it “makes sex into a bigger, scarier and more dangerous thing than it already it.” Stepp, a 55 year old writer for the Washington Post, has claimed that most women aren’t able to separate their physical and emotional connections to sex, leading to emotional damage after the fact. I can accept that fact and know that girls can drunkenly hook up on a Saturday night and by Thursday start freaking out because they want the boy to call and they know he won’t.