A movie that I am dying to see is He’s Just Not That Into You, which is set to come out on Feburary 6th. Based on a best-selling advice book by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, the movie follows a series of women dealing with a myriad of different dating situations ranging from a woman waiting for her boyfriend to commit to marriage to women meeting men in bars and dealing with the aftermath of phone calls/email awkwardness. The book, which was published in 2005, found instant success in the world of young women who were looking to understand why their relationships/lack thereof were so complicated.
Monumental in the motivation for the book was this scene from the fifth season of Sex and the City. During a night out where Carrie introduces the girls to her new flame Burger, Miranda begins to discuss her date from the previous night. The analysis that immediately ensues is very encouraging from both the perpetually optimistic Charlotte and the less so Carrie. However, after being asked his opinion, Burger steps in with a very blunt and straightforward anaylsis that if a guy likes a girl then he’ll do anything to be with her, and since Miranda’s date didn’t do so, he’s just not that into her.
Having not read the book, I am certainly not in any position to judge it. However, the short previews that I have read give me the impression that it is far too one-sided. They treat men as unwavering beings who know exactly what they want and are never misleading and paint every scenerio in black and white terms.
But what makes me really interested in seeing the movie is that it does not seem to be so much about pounding the idea into women’s heads that “he’s just not that into you” but rather is a really interesting exploration into anxieties that pervade the relationship world. Not only does it portray the anxieties of women (there is one part when the main character grills a man she met at the bar on whether he will be calling her or she needs to call him) but that there are also scenes where the uncertainty is the burden of a man.
As soon as I get my hands on this book, I’ll be sure to update you on my thoughts of it and I will certainly be in line to see this movie, so you’re sure to hear about that too!
In response to Charles M. Blow’s The Demise of Dating article in The New York Times, Michael Smerconish wrote a response opinion article in the Philadelphia Daily News.
Smerconish gives us another “adult” perspective on the hooking-up phenomenon. Unlike (I’m assuming here) the writer of the Salon.com article and myself, Blow and Smerconish are married adults and have very little understanding of hooking up. To them it truly is a phenomenon, whereas to everyone I know, it’s a given. Should we just file it under Will Smith’s line that “Parents just don’t understand”?
But one thing that was interesting to me in this article was when he writes:
“Who can forget the nervousness of initiating a date? Planning what to do. Rehearsing your rap. Then anxiously dialing the telephone to make the bid. The concern for making small talk if one of her parents answers. (I actually made notes diagramming the possible outcomes and my plan of attack.)
Although I am in college and my prospective suitors don’t need to worry about making small talk with my parents, the nervousness of asking someone on a date is still present and perhaps the biggest obstacle thrown in good ol’fashioned dating’s face. Because what it boils down to, is what a boy once told me. ”It’s not like you can just ask the pretty girl in Astromony out on a date with you.” When told this story, my friend Jenny looked straight at me and said, “Uh, but yes… yes, you can.”
On yet again one of my random “hooking up” google searches, I came across this really funny article from The Georgetown Independent published in the Commentary section of it’s Oct. 29, 2008 issue. Written by a college student for college students, the article gets to the heart of Pre- /and Post- Hooking up etiquette. Kind of like an Emily Post’s Guide to Getting It On With Someone You Don’t Really Know. Really relevant and particularly funny, the article deals with those nagging questions like “To Snuggle or Not to Snuggle?” and questions of etiquette when it comes to roommates being in the room during said hook-up session.
But what I found particularly interesting was this passage:
“It also changes the usage of the verb “hook up.” No longer is that random dude or chick someone you hooked up with; he or she is someone you are hooking up with. It definitely does not mean that the other party is now your boyfriend or girlfriend. However, it could be an important step to becoming exclusive, being a “thing” and ultimately officially dating. Nevertheless, if you have no intention of forming a relationship, the 3-mark/5-mark is the time and place to make that clear. If everyone is on the same page, there is no need to stop the fun.”
A couple who “hooked up” is certainly different from one who is currently “hooking-up.” It is these minute details that college students are able to navigate the often confusing lingo of the hooking up culture. It grazes that fine line of when a hook-up transforms into hooking-up and briefly mentions how hook-ups do become relationships. Although no the most practical or reliable way of finding a relationship, the fact that hooking-up has become a path towards relationships for college students is definitely worth exploring.
My sister-in-law and friend both sent me a link to this article in the nytimes under some variation of, “isn’t this what your blog is all about?” and “blog fodder!” In it, Opt-Ed columnist Charles Blow tells us something that we already know: hooking up is here to stay.
He after explaining to unknowing readers what hooking up entails, he writes, “when I first heard about hooking up years ago, I figured that it was a fad that would soon fizzle. I was wrong. It seems to be becoming the norm.”
None of this info is new for us, right?
But while perusing the wedding announcements in the nytimes, I found a really interesting quote from Jane Kallir, a woman who was remarrying her first husband. Thinking back on how unprepared she was for marriage the first time around, she tells the reporter that “People didn’t date,” remembered Ms. Kallir, 54. “You hung out and then you slept together.”
“College is all about hookups and having tons of having meaningFUL sex. You can settle down when you’re forty, drive a porsche, and have hair in the most unseemly of places. But for now, carpe diem spitter. carpe the volleyball team.”
-Cappy, from abcfamily’s Greek, giving advice to one of his pledge brothers.
I found this article on loquitor.com and it makes some pretty good points on the ambiguity of the term hooking up. We’ve already discussed how confusing it can be when someone says that “he hooked up last night” or “oh, we just hooked up” because it can mean any variety of things. They hung out? They made out? They rounded third base?!
What this article points out is that there is a reason for this lack of definition for the term. It is the new way to say “we did something yada yada yada” or “et cetra et cetra.” This allows young men and women to admit to having had some sort of sexual contact with another but saves the person from having to give details on what exactly happened.
But what this article says exactly is that it saves “the girl” from having to admit how far she went. I think it’s interesting how they have to fill the gender roles and claim that it is the female who is expressing a form of sexual liberation but that it is something she is ashamed of. Even if this could be what is happening with some girls, making this claim that some women are ashamed only perpetuates the notion that women should not embrace their sexuality and sexual desires.
When I started writing this blog for a class, its main focus was on hooking up. I really like that I expanded my horizon to look at other issues facing women but I want to center myself back on the idea of hooking up a little bit. I think it is a really important phenomena that is facing adults – young and old. As a college student, I know that I certainly live in an environment where hooking up is the norm. It is an acceptable thing for a male or female to go out on a Saturday night with the goal of finding a short term companion. Not only is this not in the game plan for an older, single person, it might not even cross their mind that this is the reality for young people today.
We have to accept that casual hooking up is a norm in many young adults’ lives, but I think it is really worth looking into how our society evolved into this. Literary and media examples of hooking up flood my life. I can turn on my television and see Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl with his lady of day or pick up my newspaper and read The New York Times’ Modern Love College Essay Contest winner’s account of her college hook ups and “relationships.”
It’s worth seeing how these hook-ups affect our lives. We can learn from these media examples, from essay accounts of young men and women, and maybe even self-reflection.
Is this really a new phenomena? Or is talking about it what is actually new?
Can men and women be just friends? For years my friend Kelvin has been trying to convince me that there is no such thing as a platonic relationship between men and women. He claims that at least one party must have been attracted to the other party at some point in the friendship. My comeback has always been that I have had many guy friends who were just friends. His rebuttal was that they’ve probably had crushes on me and I just never knew about it. I suppose that boost to my ego made me start thinking more seriously about his claim.
So, say you make the decision to hook up with a friend and let’s also say that it wasn’t the clearest, well thought out decision you’ve ever made. What happens now? I love this clip from How I Met Your Mother because it does a great job of showing the awkwardness that could potentially arise the morning after Barney and Robin hook up.
On yet again one of my random “hooking up” google searches, I came across 
“College is all about hookups and having tons of having meaningFUL sex. You can settle down when you’re forty, drive a porsche, and have hair in the most unseemly of places. But for now, carpe diem spitter. carpe the volleyball team.”
I found this 
